Editorial: Dating vs. Single
by Kathleen Sprouse, posted April 17, 2008
Relationships can be difficult. For many college freshmen, adjusting to a new place, living with a stranger and managing time can be overwhelming. And looking for a “hookup” or a relationship makes focusing on academics even more difficult.
From checking out people at the rec center, to asking someone cute in your class to study, to making a long distance relationship work, it can be exhausting but exciting. Some students make the choice to stay “single” to cut down on at least one kind of stress. Whether or not it is best to be in or out of a relationship at this time of your life is a topic of debate for many.
I feel being single means having the freedom to make your own decisions, focus on school, make new friends and live without regrets. Knowing someone cares about you is comforting, but being independent and confident is attractive and important. Being away at college provides a great opportunity to find out who you are, explore your interests, and enjoy yourself while you’re still free of many of life’s demands.
Not all agree with this rationale, however. And there are many things to consider before deciding whether to start college single or to try making a current relationship last.
Evaluate your relationship
How mature is your relationship? How long have you been dating? Have you ever been apart? Can you trust your partner if you can’t always be with him or her?
Adjusting to a new place and finding new friends is scary. School is stressful. You may find it comforting to stay in a relationship so you can rely more on your partner for support.
“College can be lonely,” said Alena Pirogova, an MU freshman. “You don’t have that affection from your parents anymore.”
However, being apart could help a relationship grow and mature, helping encourage the other to find friends and pass his or her first semester of college. Many students like Jimmy Barnes, an MU freshman, aren’t looking for a serious relationship, but rather someone to call and do things with on campus.
“It can be lonely in college, and it would be cool to have someone you can just hang out with all the time,” Barnes said.
An article from the Journal of College Student Development explains, “the success or failure of students' romantic relationships is a strong predictor of their academic performance, life satisfaction, and mental health” (Vera & Betz,1992).
Trust is the key
Making a distant relationship work is difficult.
“There may be jealousy,” said Anne Meyer, interim clinical director, MU Counseling Center. “Promises become more important as there can be more room for suspicion.”
Kim Guardado, a freshman respiratory therapy major, left her boyfriend at home in St. Louis. They tried dating long distance, but it proved too hard.
“Guys are overprotective,” Guardado said. “When you go out they just worry about you because they are not going to be there if something happens.”
Four months after Guardado came to MU, she and her boyfriend broke up. He was hassling her about going out and partying. His phone calls were stressing Guardado, making her feel guilty for enjoying college, meeting new people and trying new things.
The Counseling and Mental Health Center at the University of Texas at Austin suggests the following seven steps to help maintain a healthy relationship:
- Be aware of what you and your partner want for yourselves and what you want from the relationship.
- Let one another know what your needs are.
- Realize that your partner will not be able to meet all your needs. Some of these needs will have to be met outside of the relationship.
- Be willing to negotiate and compromise on the things you want from one another.
- Do not demand that a partner change to meet all your expectations. Work to accept the differences between your ideal mate and the real person you are dating.
- Try to see things from the other’s point of view. This doesn’t mean that you must agree with one another all the time, but rather that both of you can understand and respect each other’s differences, points of view, and separate needs.
- Where critical differences do exist in your expectations, needs, or opinions, try to work honestly and sincerely to negotiate. Seek professional “coaching” early rather than waiting until the situation becomes critical.
Defining clear terms in a relationship is important
According to the same article from the Journal of College Student Development, “Interpersonal relationships are among the highest areas of concern for new college students.”
You and your partner may decide it is OK to flirt, but what is flirting? Is it talking over a drink, dancing close at a party, nothing more than kissing or absolutely no numbers from anyone of the opposite sex? Couples should define early on what flirting is in college while still respecting each other’s independence.
Freshman Christen Berhorst, an occupational therapy major and freshman John Kuster, an undecided major, began dating their senior year of high school. They both came to MU and randomly were placed in the same residential hall. Berhorst remembers people back home telling her to go to college single. Her senior year she was apprehensive if they could still make their relationship work.
“Once college came closer, I wasn’t nervous,” Berhorst said. “I thought, I’ll have my best friend with me at college and we can experience new things together.”
Berhorst and Kuster agreed they may have seen each other too much and didn’t appreciate each other as much after living in the same residential hall. Kuster said he trusts her, but Berhorst worries more and feels lately he has been flirtier.
“I can’t talk to girls,” Kuster said. “It’s always flirting.”
Berhorst and Kuster are excited to live further a part next year. They feel by being honest with each other, they have built a strong friendship, which has helped their relationship .
Finding balance can be difficult
Some freshmen find balancing homework, classes and social life too much for a relationship.
Studies suggest new students struggle more by “continuing long distance connections with members of their pre-college network and forming new college relationships […] Specifically, new college students' efforts to maintain pre-college relationships may interfere with the development of new relationships in college, or vice versa” (Paul, Poole, Jakubowyc, 1998).
“Single is great because when you go out, the only person you have to worry about is yourself,” said Adam Stilwell, MU freshman, undecided major. “And you don’t have to feel bad about the choices you make.”
The single choice
Does being single sound more appealing now? Being single is being free. Singles are free to express emotions, free to look around, free to have opposite-sex friends and free to be themselves. College is a time for us to begin to understand who we are. Upon entering college, students are faced with many new people, ideas and experiences. Dating can only hold us back.
How can we learn about ourselves while at the same time being dragged down by a difficult relationship? Owing so much time and care to one person can only limit one’s time for new people and new experiences. As singles we can round out our own personalities and go through new experiences, without depending on a single peer, which, therefore, makes us stronger people.
