Artwork by
Dennis Murphy

For the students, by the students

Sweet, merciful crap - too many sequels
Christian Prosser, Corner Post staff

May
"The Matrix Reloaded"- Expect Keanu Reeves to try and keep a hold of the "ordinary guy-ness" that allows his character to be believable, as he's turning into a superhero. Oh, and expect more amazing special effects and fight scenes you can't even imagine.

"Bruce Almighty"- Morgan Freeman, otherwise known as God, challenges Jim Carrey to see if he can do a better job. Dude, Jennifer Aniston's boobs get bigger. Jim Carrey might just make up for "The Cable Guy."

"The In-Laws"- Albert Brooks is a docile podiatrist who has the misfortune of having screw-loose CIA agent Michael Douglas as his daughter's new father-in-law. OK, yeah, Michael Douglas is stepping back into the kind of role he hasn't been in since "Romancing the Stone," and he'll be entertaining when he's scaring Albert Brooks half to death. But don't forget Ryan Reynolds (a.k.a. Van Wilder) who will be hysterical as the groom-to-be.

"Finding Nemo"- Albert Brooks is back, this time as a fish. Brooks is Malin, a clownfish who is trying to find his son who has been caught and put in an aquarium. Malin is accompanied by a forgetful fish named Dory (Ellen DeGeneres). It's Disney, so expect lots of humor that's over the heads of the young ones and some possible phallic-shaped pieces of coral. But don't worry, they aren't trying to corrupt your children. Animators just get bored sometimes.

"The Italian Job"- Mark Wahlberg and crew - Charlize Theron, Jason Statham ("Snatch") and Seth Green - set out to take out the double-crossing partner (Edward Norton) who hosed them before and killed their leader (Donald Sutherland). Even if you don't like Wahlberg, if you like heist movies, see it, see it, see it.


June
"2 Fast 2 Furious"- Paul Walker teams up with his ex-con buddy (Tyrese Gibson) to take down an organized crime kingpin while working with a female undercover cop (Eva Mendez). Throw the superb acting of Ludacris in the mix and you have a quality film based mostly on driving fast cars. They switched to director John Singleton ("Shaft"), so this should be a more enjoyable fruit roll-up movie. Fruit roll-up movie: fun at the time but no lasting value, as with a fruit roll-up. (Cara Pearson.)

"Prozac Nation"- Christina Ricci goes to college, has issues with her boyfriend (Jason Biggs), mother (Jessica Lange), father and roommate (Michelle Williams) and goes on Prozac. It's quite possibly the feel-good movie of the year.

"Dumb and Dumberer"- With Eric Christian Olsen and Derek Richardson (you've never heard of either of them) as Harry and Lloyd in high school, this sequel could go either way. It does have Eugene Levy ("American Pie," Jim's Dad) as the principal, Luis Guzman ("Out of Sight," "Traffic") as the janitor, so that says something.

"Hollywood Homicide"- Hollywood detectives Harrison Ford and Josh Hartnett who make money in other fields - Ford, real estate and Hartnett, yoga and acting - try to solve the slaying of a rap group. The banter between Ford and Hartnett will sell this one.

"The Hulk"- In the newest trend of comics-turned-movies, Eric Bana ("Black Hawk Down") plays a humble scientist whose anger turns him into the Hulk, after an experiment gone wrong. In turn, he's hunted by the military, which (surprise surprise) wants to exploit his abilities. Some truly amazing action and computer-generated effects will make this one enjoyable. Oh, and root for the underdog.

"Charlie's Angels 2: Full Throttle"- Drew Barrymore, Lucy Liu, and Cameron Diaz are back for more action, cleavage and tight clothes. John Cleese plays Liu's father, and Demi Moore is the evil, sexy villainess. Oh, and Bernie Mac will be replacing Bill Murray as Bosley's son - or something to that effect. Quote: "I got sand in my butt. I can't hardly walk."


July
"Legally Blonde 2: Red White and Blonde"- Possibly an explanation for the current state of organization in Washington, D.C. Reese Witherspoon returns to give migraines to all males as she fights to ban animal testing. Bob Newhart, Sally Field and Luke Wilson: What were you thinking in agreeing to co-star?

"Sinbad: Legend of the Seven Seas"- Brad Pitt (former MU student) voices Sinbad alongside Catherine Zeta Jones as Marina and Michelle Pfeiffer as Eris, the goddess of chaos. Pitt generally has pretty good taste in scripts, so look for LOTS of jokes that go over the kids' heads, and expect a fairly entertaining movie. If not, shame on you Mr. Pitt, shame, shame, shame.

"Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines"- Given the success of the previous two movies, and the long wait for the third, this should prove to be a fairly decent action movie, although James Cameron is no longer directing, which is probably a blessing more than anything else. And Edward Furlong wasn't chosen to resume his role as John Connor. It should still stand on its own.

"Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl"- You've got Orlando Bloom ("Lord of the Rings") as the guy going after the girl, Johnny Depp ("From Hell") as the gentleman-pirate captain who's willing to help and Geoffrey Rush as the undead pirate captain holding the girl hostage. What's not to like? We're talking pirate swash-buckling 17th century action, Geoffrey Rush being creepy and dead, and Johnny Depp being … well, Johnny Depp.

"Bad Boys II"- Martin Lawrence and Will Smith return as narcotics detectives in Miami driving fast cars and shooting at people. Coming from Michael Bay, director of "Armageddon," "The Rock" and the original "Bad Boys," this sequel should be fairly entertaining outside of the action as well. Girls, this is your payback for us sitting through "How to Lose a Guy in Ten Days." Quote: "Don't hate the player, hate the game."


August
"Gigli"- Ben Affleck stars as a low-level hitman working under (you guessed it) Jennifer Lopez. Look for Affleck to pull off some fairly decent acting under the supervision of director Martin Brest ("Scent of a Woman"). With Al Pacino and Christopher Walken in supporting roles, this has definite potential if Lopez can keep up her perfectly rounded end of the deal.

"S.W.A.T."- Samuel L. Jackson leads up an elite group of cops including Colin Farrell, Michelle Rodriguez, Brian Van Holt and LL Cool J. You wouldn't think that an action movie with Samuel L. Jackson could go wrong, but that's what we thought about "XXX." But in this case, Vin Diesel is nowhere in sight, so we should be okay.

"Uptown Girls"- Brittany Murphy ("Don't Say a Word") plays a trust-fund princess whose inheritance is stolen. She then has to be a nanny for a world-class brat. Naturally, each finds a friend and life is all happy and they go skipping off into the sunset. Maybe tolerable, more likely not.

"My Boss's Daughter"- Clutzy Ashton Kutcher attempts to housesit for his boss and impress his boss's daughter (Tara Reid) at the same time … Naturally zaniness ensues.

"Jeepers Creepers 2"- A bus full of champion basketball players and their cheerleaders (just making sure they fit into the stereotypical horror movie) are attacked by the flying, people-eating monster known as the Creeper. In the first installment, the heroine ran over the Creeper once, then backed over it a couple more times. For this reason, and this reason alone, it might be bearable.

Back to archive

Disclaimer: The commentaries on this page are the opinions of one person and may not reflect the views of everybody at CAFNR Corner Post.